A FOREIGNER’S GUIDE TO NIGERIAN HOSPITALS.

A Guide to Nigerian Hospitals

Welcome dear foreigner, I do hope you had a nice flight, I believe you were courteously treated by our immigration and custom  officials at the airport, and your pocket is in the same state it was when you left the shores of your country.

I hear you would like to see a doctor in one of our distinguished and world class Nigerian hospitals? No problem, here are some things you should know – sorry, before doing that, I need to debrief you and clean your brain from some of the things you are used to:

1. The hospital has a serene environment

You remember that atmosphere of tranquillity and feeling of peace you get when you visit your hospitals? Well, scratch that and think of a market scene – Oh come off it! I said market not mall; you still don’t know what a market scene is like? Alright, google “Idumota market”. You’ve done that? Great! What’s that look I see on your face?

2.The hospital is very clean.

By clean you mean spotless floors you can eat from?  Well maintained beds? Clean sheets etc? Well, you can actually eat from our floors, just take these four pills after you do, but please don’t ask to use the toilet.

3.You can easily get information.

You know the hospital help desk with a smiling lady that answers all your questions patiently? Well, I would simply advice you wear comfortable shoes when you come to our hospital because you would do a fair amount of walking. From the gate you may be directed to walk straight down and turn left then ask whoever you see. When you’ve done that, the person you meet will tell you to turn right and walk straight down and ask the person you see; that person will tell you you missed a turn, go back and turn left. Well, you get the picture now?

4. Everybody is willing to help.

So you’re sobbing and don’t know what to do or who to see? Well, can you go sob in that corner? I don’t want the doctor to be distracted when he sees me, after all, I’ve been here for two hours and you’re only just arriving.

5. You can threaten a lawsuit if unfairly treated.

You have a complaint about me? Want to see my boss? Fair enough, that’s his office over there. When you get there, do say hello to him and ask him if he will be at the club this night.

IMAGE COURTESY: thisdaylive.com